heartbits

You know how it ended, how we ended it, cowardly. And the pain you inflicted upon me. We were both too afraid. Circumstances were tough, resources limited. Blah blah blah. You burnt all bridges, didn't give an explanation. You were so cruel and I was so weak. My weakness wasn't all of my making, it was partly inherited from circumstances you knew. I knew the reasons why you could only be cruel. I have missed you all this time. I for one almost died without you. I was devastated. You disappeared so suddenly. You replaced me so quickly. Or did you? You forgot me so easily. But you didn't.

I stayed with it all day, that hurt in my heart. I walked around familiar places. All the memories emerging from every street and every corner. The trees, the flowers, the magpies, the cafes... All these years it has taken me. I was happy and light-hearted then. Naive. Dreaming was easy. I played back our first time. Tears almost surfaced as I observed the process....

BUT THE PAIN DID NOT DEFEAT ME: I LET IT FADE OUT OF ME GENTLY.

I OWN UP AND TAKE MY RESPONSIBILITIES NOW THAT I AM STRONG.

I have finally learnt what it was all about, what our "love", our relationship, was all about. I stayed with it for many years. I did not run away from the pain, I took the time it needed. It was a Great Love and the void it left was an abyss. It required all this time. I stayed with it, observed it, I let it bring me down to my knees. Hard, cold, bitter torture, tearing my soul apart. Yet I stayed with it. It made a fool of me, a slave. Not for the sake of drama, as you thought. For the sake of understanding, presence. Love, initially. And forgiveness, eventually.

Not on the surface, at the core... 
Today I went to the place where it all started. I no longer ran away from it. Tired of running away. No distance left to run here. And ...

I finally realised,

truly realised,

what our relationship was all about: it was born to make me conscious, fully conscious, fully alert, of my Self. Again.

So I thank you my sweet darling as I set my Self free. I no longer need to think about this. The end. At last.


All these pieces. Across the world. Fragments of that explosion, that collision, that innocent mistake. Like a broken mirror in which I try to see our faces. But I can only see bits and pieces of my eyes, and they are blind.

Do I really look like that? Is that me or someone else? Is that you?

We were a Comet announcing Revelation. I revealed myself to you, you revealed yourself to me, and bang! I'm in bits, the mirror's cracked and it's time for reconstruction, transformation, walking around town with a lump in my throat because every corner holds the ghost of our love captive, memories are easily activated. The ley-lines are magnetic. Dream-time Ireland. I can hear your laughter in the wind. I can feel my trepidation. The lovers we were....I've become this city of Black Waters. A dream once so beautiful... A vision that I held...

I tell those little pieces to come back home and do it all again. Please, pretty please. But it's hard, they tell me. 

You know, that was the MOST INCREDIBLY POWERFUL, DEVASTATING HEARTBREAK IN THE WORLD... 

So I don't know where all the fragments of my heart were scattered... I didn't know there were so many...

But I found one today at the site of our last kiss. And I won't use it for you this time. So I've a bit more heart in me - for me - as a result.